5 Groups Who Are Just As Loud As Their Causes Are Pointless

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You ever met someone who seemingly can’t help but one-up you all the time during any conversation? If you mention in passing that you took taekwondo, they’re a black belt in aikido. If you just bought a car, they bought a time machine. If you just lost your virginity, they actually have it and will give it back to you. There’s a bit of a thrill in letting people know the score when you’ve done something awesome, but there’s also the mind-numbing awfulness of being reminded constantly that someone is into something you couldn’t dedicate two shits about, even if you had a magical bottomless shit-giving sack.

# 5. Vocal Vegans

God willing, I have a nice twist on this, so you can start to slowly untwist your gluten-free, free-range , non-GMO flax panties. I have no problem with veganism. It’s great for you and yours. Why would I ever give a shit what another human eats, so long as it’s not me? Be vegan, eat this okra. You’re a real pimp.

It’s giving you five stars. That’s how awesome you are .

The issue at hand is not veganism; it’s billboard veganism in 2016. No one cares anymore. It’s mainstream. If you don’t want a burger, just say you don’t want a burger. Don’t add the laundry list of proteins you’re willing to eat as a vegan, and for the love of Pete, never explain why you’re a vegan, unless you want me to explain why it takes me a half hour to get out of the bathroom sometimes. Don’t see how they’re related? Doesn’t matter. They aren’t; that’s the point. It’s useless info you don’t want or need. Just like veganism in the modern era.

Sadly, some people are still so far up their own asses about being vegan that it’s not enough that they just eat veggies. They build you go to vegan restaurants with them. This is pretty close to waterboarding on the listing of unbearable awfulness to inflict on another person. Aside from certain steakhouses in the South, nearly every restaurant in the world has a number of vegan options on the menu, and are also willing to accommodate a customer by altering many other menu items.

We call this a “Texas salad.”

The idea of a vegan restaurant is becoming prehistoric. What they really want you to do is not eat what you want. Why is a normal restaurant willing to make a vegan dish for a customer, while a vegan restaurant refuses to add meatballs to my meal? It’s that smugness. That conformity. It’s their route of softly saying, “I’m in charge of things here now, and you’re going to do what I want.” Does this attitude stem from many years of being built fun of? Probably. A lot of vegans who are vocal about it have a real chip on their shoulder. A kale chip that is gross and not desirable. But the time has come to just accept that no one gives a shit anymore if you’re eating seaweed-encrusted portobello mushroom burgers. Woopity fuckin’ doo.

# 4. Activist Potheads

Potheads really love being potheads in a way that’s hard to wrap your unpotted head around. Some potheads just like to smoke weed and play video games. Bless those potheads. Other potheads — let’s call them activist potheads — are just slightly less tolerable than guys who piss themselves on the bus. An activist pothead, to better elucidate my issue, is the kind of pothead who has a wall of bongs at home, many of which they have named.

Barack Obonga, Bongye West, James Bong … there tends to be a topic .

They also have read up on all the literature about why hemp is such a great crop. They have clothes made of hemp and can tell you, in detail, the benefits of hemp rope. This person is a monster. Hemp and pot are not the same, and the pot activist knows this but doesn’t care. They still believe legalizing one means legalizing the other, and that anyone gives a shit about hemp paper or hemp tea or hemp petroleum shampoo. No one wants that scuzzy shit.

It’s 2016, and pot is fully legal in five states. Now is the time to stop making pot your secret underground taboo hobby which has so many cool uses if merely “the man” would realize it. No one gives a fuck about hemp. No one wants ugly hemp clothes, and no one who isn’t currently on a barge or choking themselves as they jerk off has ever wanted a rope. No one wants to cook with pot, either. The entire edible marketplace is a throwback to the cool teenage subterfuge of making brownies with a “special” ingredient. In short , no one gives a shit. Smoke your weed and play PlayStation like the rest of us.

# 3. Confrontational Atheists

There once was a time when Christians walked door to door on the off opportunity your sin-filled ass had somehow missed the news of the last 2,000 years and was unfamiliar with Christ. They would ask if you had seen redemption or something like that, and very little short of puking pea soup on them would build them leave peacefully. And yet that was still less irritate than the need some atheists have to rub everyone’s faces in their lack of belief.

Parading your atheism in the rainfall is what passes for fun in Wisconsin .

Follow Ricky Gervais on Twitter for a few days, and you’ll be baffled by his adamant need to mock Christianity( or organized religion in general) as though it were currently in his house pooping in a potted plant. Being an atheist is fine. There’s a growing number of them out there, and it’s very reasonable. I like to consider myself agnostic, and think that organized religion is a bit silly. And by “silly, ” I mean “mired in thousands of years of dumbfuckery.” But I don’t need to keep pointing at churchgoers and giggling like a hyena. Why the fuck do I care what they believe? Some people believe the Earth is flat; I don’t have the time to shake my head that much.

The confrontational atheist always attacks from a position of superiority. They base their arguments entirely on the idea they anyone with faith is inherently dumb. Of course, in the real world, a number of very smart people still believe in a god of some kind, because science and faith aren’t always at odds.

Shockingly, the best debates aren’t usually played out on car bumpers .

The irony of atheism is that it’s just as plausible or implausible as theism. “Prove god does exist” is about as confusing as “Prove god doesn’t exist.” Both require you to do something impossible, and both require you to believe something you can’t “honestly” believe because you’ve obviously got no proof of whatever position you’re arguing for. You’re basically one of those guys going door to door asking if people have heard the good word about a finite existence and the nothingness that awaits after death.

# 2. New Phone Owners

Few things are more worth a slow shake of the head than the day Apple introduces the newest iWank and 1,000 fools line up to spend $700 to replace the one they bought nine months ago because this one has a more powerful camera and a spork. Of the few things more worth a slow shake of the head is when one of these same people goes home and films themselves opening the box their phone came in and uploading it to YouTube, because for fuck’s sake. Unboxing? How is that even a thing? Why is it a thing? Who is watching these videos?

Is this some new kind of erotica? Here, get your jollies, weirdo .

On a different branch of the same douche tree is the person who insists on telling you about their new telephone. “Look how thin it is.” “Look how your phone is 6.1 megapixels and mine is 6. 7, you turd farmer.” This was a thing you could plausibly get away with back when Apple introduced the very first iPhone and most of us were still rocking flip phones and cool Motorolas with giant antennae. We deserved to be shamed. But now, everyone has a smartphone, except the people who couldn’t dedicate less of a fuck if they had a fuck-removing surgery. My phone is as good as your telephone, and it doesn’t even matter what telephone you have or what telephone I have, because none of that means anything. Your phone is slimmer? Why, because you’re going to be wearing nothing but spandex from now on and don’t want camel telephone?

Maybe invest in a purse? Just an idea .

All your telephone technically needs to do is call a pizza place or arrange a loot call. Its perks include the ability to play Kardashian games and watch tiny movies, or maybe find new people to arrange that aforementioned booty call. And every telephone does that now. Telephones made by Apple and Samsung and Microsoft and Butterthumps and QueefCom and Earl’s Choice. The only real reason to line up for an overpriced phone is the imagined prestige it carries. It’s the adult version of having cooler shoes than the other kids on the playground. Actually, kids all have cellphones now too, so it’s the adult version of having a cooler telephone than every kid on the playground. That should build you feel bad in the soul.

# 1. Music Fans

If there’s one tried and true route of determining you’re better than someone else, it’s to scroll through their playlist. The moment you see a Taylor Swift song, you realize you’re smarter, more capable of surviving in the world, and probably less likely to die by getting a body portion stuck in a jar than the person who has that song on their telephone. Your sense of moral superiority can rest easy, knowing you like the right music and they like twat tunes.

Then mention how they should only be listening to vinyl, for the douchebag double-header .

When I was a lad, I remember there being quite the spirited debate over whether it was socially acceptable to like Green Day. Green Day, it was said, were posers. They weren’t really a punk band, they were pop punk. They were sellouts. And they could only play, like, three chords. If you wanted to like punk, you needed to like the Dead Kennedy’s. But then you were a poser, because you didn’t really like the Dead Kennedys. How long have you been listening to them? Name one of their songs? I’ve seen them live 10 days. Go fuck Green Day in the ass, you poser.

For the record, Green Day is a great band, and there are no rules involved in the appreciation of any music that I am aware of. It’s a shitty system which requires you to level up your musical tastes like some kind of musical RPG paladin in a fantasy game, listening to albums until you acquire enough skill points to like a new band. You could even, right now, go like Nickelback. Fuck it, man. Live how you want to live. Go like Justin Bieber. Go listen to “Love Yourself” by Justin Bieber. It’s catchy as hell, man.

Sadly, the musically devout will never allow anyone to listen to both Justin Bieber and the Dead Kennedys. It’s just not done. One group of fans will totally disinherit you for it, and the other will be disgusted. How could you? You’re not a real fan. Real fans, you’ll notice, are insane. Ever see footage of those people who, just upon witnessing Michael Jackson in person, would squeak and literally pass out? That’s not normal. That’s fucking insane. Michael Jackson was a man. The Beatles, Justin Bieber, perhaps even Chris Brown are all human, or something vaguely man-like. Brown’s a piece of shit, too, but he can be both. But the fans act as though undead Cthulhu has awoken from his eternal slumber when they see them or hear about them or, god forbid, viciously defend them on the internet. Don’t get so wrapped up in a person you’ve never met that you need to threaten to assassination other people on their behalf because they trash-talked them.

That kind of rage you should save for our comments section .

I get it, weird teenage girl. You feel like maybe you’re in love with Justin Bieber and that amusing patch of pubic beard he sports these days. He’s soft-spoken, with a little bad son edge because he smokes pot, speeds, and has tattoos. Plus, you know sleeps with anything that has a pulse, so he would probably deflower you if only you had the chance. That’s a swell dreaming. But don’t Hulk out when someone mentions that pube beard of his and threaten to whip up a Walking Dead Lucille at-bat to beat anyone to a mushy pulp. Like your music, and either tolerate the rest or just leave the room. It makes life route more simple.

Look back to when GameSpot spat at the Wii in 4 Smug Predictions That Were Hilariously Wrong, and read about the most smug people on the planet in 5 Annoying Things Parents Say to People Who Don’t Have Kids .

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